The Audit
The Audit
Posted by Linda - Tagged , , , ,

If someone didn’t know me personally, they might read this blog and think, “Wow, what a man crazy wench–and furthermore, no one measures up to this bi***’s standards!”

I prefer to think of myself as the non-musical, AARP version of Taylor Swift–I don’t sing about those who done me wrong–but I do like to write about it.

That said, I know that dating (and sorting through potential dates on Match or Tinder) inhabits a statistically insignificant part of my life, and that most of my time is spent happily enjoying my family and friends. However, being the nuts and bolts girl that I am, I actually conducted a little audit to see just how I’ve spent my dating life since 2015, which was two years after I sent my ex, mr. invisible, packing.

The result? I have had at least one actual face-to-face coffee, lunch or dinner date with each of 10 guys in total; more than half of those made it to multiple dates, but none lasted more than a few months. Three of the 10 were fix-ups–and those three were the most undesirable or ill-suited to me (girls, you know who you are!!). All in all, I’ve averaged about 7 dates per year–and out of 365 days a year? You do the math.

In. Sig. Nificant.

But the stuff I’ve learned from these non-relationships?? Priceless.

So here’s a short list of non-starters and deal breakers, both mine and my single peeps, that can make me thankful I missed the bullet or else laugh out loud. Either way, I hope they’ll give you, dear readers, some enjoyment:

1. Asking for Tantric sex right off the bat, out in the internet universe, without weeding through the riff raff or having coffee first. What happened to first and second base, not to mention a complete STD panel??? I like a little more foreplay before the lonnnnng, drawn out…whatever.

2. The guy who cuts and pastes the same letter to every woman he matches with–ohhhhh, how special is that? Sign me up. Note: This is a small town, and we are all fishing in the same pond of straight eligible men, so we will catch you two-timing lotharios.

3. The cutie pie who seems pretty great–until he fesses up to being bankrupt (he calls it BK for short like a familiar friend) and btw, he wants to know YOUR credit score. He actually tells you he’s somehow finagled a lease on a new BMW in spite of said BK. As for the Beemer–he loves the extra big back seat for–wait, it’s not what you think–sleeping! When he’s over the legal limit on booze, he just crawls on back and sleeps it off until he can drive home–to the house he’ll never own.

4. The cagey entrepreneur who has started a “women’s health company”–how generous and feminist-forward is that?? And then you find out it’s for a vaginal stimulation cream, he says with a sly grin. Yep–I bet he owns one tube of that shit, and it’s sitting on his bedside table.

5. The pretty fun guy who goes dark for months, and when asked to explain why, says he was dating a woman young enough to be his daughter–and that he seriously discussed having a baby with her!! Whew, no ovaries or uterus here–thankfully, I’m out of the running. It was our last date, so I didn’t get a chance to tell him that’s called “insurance” on the young miss thang’s part. Idiot.

So, what’s a girl to do with that kind of pool from which to pluck one’s beloved? As my bff JP says after every dating mishap and broken promise: “I’ve never seen anyone get back on the horse like you do!”

Yep, that’s me–resilient!! I actually have another first date tomorrow. If nothing else, he’s over six feet tall, has pretty blue eyes and knows how to make plans and followup. No telling what surprises the universe holds.

But my trainer K gets the last word on this one. Upon hearing the play-by-play after every one of these dates, she pushes me for another brutal minute of plank, then simply sighs and says: “Just get a cat, it’s easier.”


Click to read the next post: “Pandemonium (Part I)”
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